The Ten Commandments of the Fundamentalist Church of Erik
Erik is the Lord your Phantom; you shall not have any other Phantoms besides him without paying due respect to Gaston Leroux's original as well.
Thou shalt not squee over graven images of barely deformed Phantoms without acknowledging that Erik looked like a death's head.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy Erik and ask of it "Who's Erik?"
Remember to keep holy the original novel.
Honour the true origins of thine Erik, who did not grow up in an opera house.
Thou shalt not forget that Erik had quite a few good reasons to kill.
Thou shalt not commit adultery against Erik.
Thou shalt not steal Susan Kay's Phantom from the library, you selfish bastard.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against Erik by saying any of the other versions are "more accurate" than the original novel.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Phantom collection if they haven't read Leroux.
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I hereby declare the opening of the Fundamentalist Church of Erik. We will gather around the homes, schools, and places of worship of these godless, perverted "fans" who hate the book and think it should be outlawed, and we will tell them just what horrors await them in the afterlife of Erik's Torture Chamber. We will jeer at them, heckle them, and oppose their civil and human rights at every opportunity. They must not be allowed to corrupt our children with their disgusting, Leroux-hating lifestyles, or promote their agenda on web boards or in schools. They must be made to hang their heads in shame wherever they go!
Remember, Erik loves you - but that doesn't mean he won't send you to burn in eternal hellfire in his mirrored chamber.
Note to the easily offended: please switch on your parody-meter, or switch off your internet connection.
1. Respect Erik, respect Leroux. 2. If someone offends you, poke fun at them. 3. Bear in mind, we are parodying fundamentalists. Don't take things too seriously or personally. 4. More rules may be invented as the need arises.
Our Phantom who art in Paris Erik be thy name Thy Opera come, Don Juan be done With Christine as star, as it should be Give us this day our daily aria And forgive us our punjabbing, as we have punjabbed in your name And lead us not toward Forsyth, but deliver us from Argento For thine is Box 5, the mask, and candle, forever and ever Amen